


All of Our Days

by xenoglossia (oncharredwings)



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Memories, Oral Sex, Pain, Road Trips, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-02-26 21:16:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18725143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncharredwings/pseuds/xenoglossia
Summary: There is a moment where they smile at one another and everything feels like it used to feel. Like just another road trip. When Ven turns the nose of the car to leave the parking lot, Vanitas drops his head on the window and sighs. This is no regular road trip and no amount of pretending will change that fact.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A friend had me listen to a song called Maps and this AU was born

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack - Maps by Hey Ocean!
> 
>  
> 
> _You drew a map so we’d remember_  
>  _All the places that we went to_  
>  _and although we never meant to we lost it on our way_

 

> **C 1**

“You really need _another_ pack of cigarettes?” Ventus demands while Vanitas picks up the pack off of the counter after paying.

“Did I make you pay?” he shoots back and rolls his eyes skyward. Ventus is so fucking dramatic.

“You already smoked a whole pack!” Ventus says and sets his own snacks on the counter to pay for his jerky and veggie chips. “And now you’re on pack two. That’s excessive.”

“Yeah, well, road tripping is stressful,” Vanitas replies and decides to go stand outside so he can have the last word. He knows Ventus will leave the gas station and still bitch at him about smoking but he yanks a cigarette free and rolls it between his fingers. The price of gas went up forty cents overnight which _sucks_ for their budget but maybe they can hold off and find a better price elsewhere.

“Nitas,” Ven calls as he finally comes out. “Are you smoking?” Van turns and shows him the cigarette and deliberately puts it to his lips while patting his pockets for his lighter. “Ugh. Smoke one and I’ll fill up the car.”

He finally locates the lighter in his back pocket and he walks over to sit down on a picnic bench to sit on top, feet on the seat of the bench, and he blows smoke into the sky as it turns purple with twilight. They started the road trip earlier today and this is their first stop of how many he doesn’t know. According to Google, they’ll reach their destination in 42 hours but Google hardly takes into consideration any detours, getting lost, and needing to rest.

Not to mention traffic, tolls, and any other crazy shit about to happen on this long ass trip. From one end of the country to the other, toting all of Ventus’ belongings. Ven is filling up the car and Vanitas watches as the setting sun catches his hair on fire, rimming it in a bright orange to match the cherry tp of his cigarette. His lips lift up into a soft smile and he grinds the remainder of the butt beneath his boot.

Tucking the remainder of the pack in his pocket, Vanitas hops off the bench and jogs across the parking lot and up to the car. He comes up to Ventus and pinches his side making him yelp.

“Hey!” Ven shouts but when he turns, Vanitas catches his mouth in a kiss.

“You look gorgeous,” he says.

“You taste like an ashtray,” Ventus shoots back.

Vanitas only laughs and slips into the passenger’s seat. Definitely Ventus’ turn to drive, he’s exhausted, and he’s hoping they find a motel soon. Even a shitty bed is better than none.

“Hey,” Ven says when he joins him. “No smoking in the car.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, Mom.” Van rolls his eyes and turns on the radio but Ven smacks his hand.

“Driver picks the music.”

He groans and covers his ears as if Ven’s choice of music personally offends him but Ven knows he’s just being playful. There is a moment where they smile at one another and everything feels like it used to feel. Like just another road trip. When Ven turns the nose of the car to leave the parking lot, Vanitas drops his head on the window and sighs. This is no regular road trip and no amount of pretending will change that fact.

* * *

Cigarette ash dropping onto his lap draws him out of the memory and Vanitas brushes the bits off of his pants before they burn holes in his jeans. The gas station is quieter at this time of day than when they’d visited a few years prior. The prices of gas also went down, too. The wind blows his hair back and Vanitas flicks the remainder of his cigarette away onto the concrete.

Gas pump number two. The one they’d used, he’s pretty sure. The sun isn’t set as it had and Ventus isn’t here with him today but Van still feels a connection. He rubs his tattooed arms and wonders if Ven would call him crazy for doing this road trip all over again. The first time hadn’t exactly been the most fun.

He snorts and slides off of the picnic table to approach his car which he hopes will get him to sunny LA in a week or so. He’d worked on it before leaving and he brought a spare tire just in case. Dropping the cigarettes on the passenger seat, Vanitas leans in through the open window to grab a lightly bound journal and he tears the first page free, folding it up, and returns to the picnic bench. He sets the folded up piece of paper under a rock on the table.

A memory to leave behind.

Vanitas returns to the car and sits in the driver’s seat for a while.

He wishes they’d taken more pictures.

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: 
> 
> _To say that we're in love is dangerous_   
>  _But, girl, I'm so glad we're acquainted_
> 
>  
> 
> _Acquainted by The Weekend_

> **C 1.5**

 

Finding zen in an off-campus apartment is not easy when the neighbors won’t stop getting carnal at all hours of the night and day. Vanitas stretches out on his floor and lets the metal music wash over him as he attempts to reach a higher plane. At least, he can’t hear his neighbors currently so maybe one of them finally went to work or class or wherever it is they go during the day. His eyes drift shut and he’s almost asleep when there is a knock on the door. He frowns and winces, hoping the knocker will go away but the knock comes again.

“Christ,” he grumbles before shutting the music off and stomping over to the door to yank it open. He expects to see his older neighbor, ready to remind him about Jesus and how his music is Satan’s garbage but he’s surprised to find someone else at the door instead. His blonde neighbor he has a few classes with: Ventus.

“Hi,” Ventus says. “Sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you happen to know how to change a tire….”

“A tire,” Vanitas repeats.

“Yeah, uh, a bike tire,” Ventus clarifies. “My bike tire is shot and I need to put the new one on but I’m having trouble with it.”

Vanitas stares at him for a moment and knows on the inside he has no idea how to change a bicycle tire but he isn’t about to let Ventus know that either. “Yeah, just give me a minute, I’ll come help you.”

“ _Thank_ you, Vanitas. I’m glad this is your apartment, I was worried I was about to knock on a stranger’s door,” Ventus says.

“You can come in.” Vanitas steps aside to let Ventus walk in while he walks over to grab his shoes to pull on.

“Your place is surprisingly clean,” Ventus says which makes Vanitas snort. “Sorry, that came out not how I wanted it to… I just mean, you-.”

“Don’t seem very organized?” Vanitas asks. “I don’t like stuff. I don’t like clutter. I get what I need and that’s it.”

“Oh.” Ventus nods as he takes in Vanitas’ bare bones apartment. “I can see that. You know, minimalism is very in right now.”

“That so?” Van asks and he shoos Ven back out the door so he can follow him to his apartment where his bike is sitting in the living room sans front wheel. “You got one wheel off?”

“Yeah, I got it off but I don’t know how to put it back on. I’m not even sure if I didn’t accidentally break it in my attempt to get the old tire off.”

Van nods and he walks over to look the bicycle over. He has no idea how bicycles work or even how to ride one but he’s also not about to pass up the chance to hang out with Ventus, talk to him, and see his apartment. He’s had a crush on Ventus since their freshman orientation and now they’re at the summer before their junionr year of college. He’s definitely glad he answered the door today.

“So?” Ventus asks.

Vanitas glances up at him, says nothing, and then looks around Ven’s apartment as if he’s looking for something in particular. In reality, he’s just checking out how Ven is his opposite. Where Vanitas likes bare minimum, Ven seems to _love_ stuff. Lots of throw pillows, throw blankets, furniture, and pictures all over the walls. He even owns live plants.

“You like stuff,” he remarks.

“What?” Ven asks.

“You like stuff, don’t you?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I do.” Ven nods. “That a problem?”

“No.” Vanitas sinks onto the hardwood floor to look the bicycle over and suddenly wishes he could magically fix Ven’s bike for him. He knows he’s wasting Ven’s time but he can’t help but want to hang out a little longer.

“Can you fix it?” Ven asks and sits opposite him.

Van glances up and feels his face turn red as he feels trapped an embarrassed. “No,” he finally sighs. “I have no idea how to fix a bicycle tire.”

“Then why did you say you did?” Ven asks. He doesn’t sound mad – hes almost laughing.

“Because I wanted to have an excuse to hang out with you,” Vanitas replies and shrugs helplessly. “I’ve always been too scared to say hi.”

“Really?” Ventus asks and tilts his head to the side.

Heart. Bleeding. Too. Cute.

“Uh, yeah,” Van mutters and ducks his head to avoid Ven’s blue eyes. “I think you’re cute.”

Ventus smiles. “I think you’re cute, too. I can’t believe _you’re_ afraid of _me_.”

“Why? Are you afraid of me?”

“Not _afraid_ per se but people talke,” Ven replies and Vanitas flinches. He’s unsurprised he has a reputation.

“What do they say?”

“That you’re…. violent.”

He snorts. “I’m not violent. Not to people I care about, only to terfs and homophobes.”

Ventus nods. “That’s fair. I like that, actually.”

Vanitas moves the bike out of the way so they can look at one another without being impeded by a large object. He tilts his head and the tension in the air is almost palpable. Maybe he’s not the only one aching between his thighs. “So…”

Ventus coughs into his hand and tries to smile innocently. “Can I confess something?”

Vanitas nods. “Yeah.”

“I could have called Roxas to help me but I really wanted you to come over,” Ven admits and his face turns deliciously pink.

“Why?” Van asks.

“So I could see for myself if you were really that scary… I also saw you at the Pride meeting but I wasn’t completely sure but you said you think I’m cute, so now I am.”

The pride in Ventus’ voice makes Van roll his eyes and he wants to slap that little smirk off of Ven’s face but instead, he leans across the distance between them and kisses it away. Ventus moans and crashes back onto the floor and Vanitas follows, hips lining up between Ventus’ spread thighs. He never expected innocent cute Ventus to be such a slut but he’s been wrong before.

He’s glad he was wrong.

They’re impatient like teenagers as their fingers drag across each other’s skin and tear shirts away and leave purple and red bruises in their wake. Vanitas’ eyes fall on Ventus’ chest and the way his nipples are perfectly pink and hard. Ven pants and looks up at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ve never done this before,” Vanitas finally admits, voice soft and embarrassed. He’s never admitted to being a virgin before but Ventus has a right to know.

“You’re a virgin?” Ventus asks. “Really?”

A hot blush blooms across his cheeks and he looks down, tempted to go if Ventus is going to mock him. “Yeah, so what?”

“Wow, you’re so attractive, figured you would have known your way around but I’m glad you don’t.” Ventus’ hands slide up his chest and rest over his stomach. “I’m glad I get to teach you.”

The hot blush blooming on his face travels south to his belly button in mere seconds. He hides his face behind his hands and tenses when Ventus start undo his fly. He’s up on his knees, between Ven’s thighs, and his breath comes in quick succession while Ventus works it open.

“What’s behind door number one?” Ventus asks and they both laugh.

Van holds still while Ventus’ hands find their intended prize and pull his cock free. He’s only half hard but the way Ven’s eyes light up, it’s as if he’s fully aroused. Ven sits up on his elbows and Vanitas groans when Ven strokes him fully hard.

“ _Big_ boy,” Ven purrs.

“Fuck,” he gasps. “ _Fuck_.”

“Ever had a blowie?”

“What part of virgin did you not fucking understand?” he counters, voice sharp as a whip.

“ _Sorry_ .” Ventus wiggles forward to kiss his tip and Van eases forward so he’s straddling Ven’s hips instead of between them, making it easier to reach. “Mmm, your dick is _so_ fucking big. I owe Aqua money.”

Van tilts his head to the side. “The fuck do you owe her money for?”

“I bet her you had a small dick.”

“ _What_? Why?!”

“I figured you were small because you were so angry but I was wrong. I’m so glad I”m wrong.” Ventus moans and without another word, he takes Van’s dick halfway down his throat.

Van tilts his head back and lets out a long moan, the pleasure overwhelming. He’s embarrassed by how hot the fire rages in his pelvis and he already knows he’s going to cum faster than he’s sure Ventus wants. Ven is sloppy and wet, drooling on himself, and bobbing his head with the expertise he didn’t expect. Van’s fingers slide through Ven’s blonde curls and he tugs his hair a few times, pushing him further down but Ven doesn’t fight. Ven takes it as if he were born to suck dick.

“Christ,” Van hisses. “I’m gonna cum.”

The words are like a spell and once cast, he cums shortly after, filling up Ven’s mouth. He releases Ventus’ hair so he can pull back but Ven moans and only pulls back when Van finishes emptying a thick load and Van turns bright red when he sees Ven’s swollen mouth covered in cum. He licks his lips slow and deliberate, swallowing it all down without a qualm.

“Jesus Christ,” Van whispers.

“Jesus didn’t make you cum,” Ventus says, voice sassy while he licks his lips to clean up. “I did.”

“Sorry.”

“Was it good?”

Van nods. “So good.”

“Good. Now, my turn.”

Vanitas shudders but he would gladly do anything Ven asks. He is Ven’s to mold, after all. “As you wish, Ventus.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack
> 
> _Take my hand, take my whole life, too_   
>  _For I can't help falling in love with you_
> 
> _Can’t Help Falling in Love with You - Elvis Presley_

 

> **C 2**

“On the count of three.”

Vanitas rolls his eyes but they can’t sit in the car forever. He finally nods. “Okay, the count of three.” 

“One,” Ventus breathes but Vanitas leaps out of the car before he can finish the countdown. “Vanitas!”

The rain pours down from the sky and there is no avoiding becoming completely soaked but instead of racing inside to beat Ventus in their made up race, he runs to Ventus’ side of the car and pulls the door open. Ventus climbs out, clearly confused but by now Vanitas has taken his jacket off. He holds it over Ventus’ head in an attempt to keep him dry. 

There is a moment when Ventus look at him and his eyes and mouth soften but they have no choice now but to run up to the diner’s door and throw it open so they can try to escape the rain. Ventus manages to enter the diner with barely a drop on his clothes while he basically looks as if he jumped into a lake. 

“You are  _ soaked _ ,” Ventus laughs and is thankful when a waitress offers him a towel. “Thank you.” He leads Vanitas over to a plastic booth and pushes him down while he rubs the towel over his hair and face. 

Vanitas holds still to let Ventus sop him up as best as possible. A small smile fills his face while he admires how Ventus still takes care of him. Even now – even knowing all they know. He looks up at Ventus, eyes soft and full of love. 

“There, that’s better,” Ventus says and finally takes his seat after putting the towel on the counter. The diner is empty, happily bellowing it’s 24 hour service but no one else is here besides the workers. “Feel better?”

He nods, eyes flitting over to the old jukebox, and then back to Ventus again. A waitress walks by to hand them plastic menus and they both order coffee to drink. Three sugars, two creams – he knows how Ventus takes his coffee by heart and smiles when he dumps the sugar and cream in. 

“What?” Ventus asks. 

He always takes his coffee black. “Nothing,” he replies and sips the mug, despite how the liquid burns his mouth. 

Ventus rolls his eyes. “I think I want a burger.”

“Then get one,” he replies. 

“What do you want

Vanitas shrugs and toys with the idea of having a burger, too. “Don’t know. Not very hungry.”

“It’s those cigarettes you’re smoking,” Ven comments which drives right beneath his skin but he doesn't say anything in response. 

When their waitress drops by again, Ven orders a cheeseburger with everything on it, fries, and a strawberry milkshake. Vanitas orders more coffee and a plate of onion rings but he has no intention of eating them. 

“I wonder what kind of music they have,” Ventus comments, eyes drifting to the jukebox. 

Glancing over his shoulder, Vanitas rises up and strolls over to take a look. Mostly old classics but his eyes fall on a song he immediately recognizes and feels his heart swell. He digs around for a few quarters and eagerly makes the selection. Soon, Elvis’ voice croons through the diner, singing to his unseen lover. 

“ _ Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you.” _

Vanitas quietly rocks back and forth to the tune as his mind flies back to a special summer two years ago – Sora’s and Riku’s wedding. They danced to this song as their first song which Vanitas called  _ cheesy _ but in the moment he’d cried. Seeing their love so alive and full made his heart stutter. He also remembers how Ventus had swept him onto the dance floor once the DJ asked couples to join in. 

“What are you doing?” Ventus asks, making him startle out of his memory. 

“Uh, nothing,” he says and ducks his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “Just remembering Sora’s wedding.” 

Ventus smiles but Van can see the sadness in his eyes. “I remember that,” he whispers. “We had a good time.” 

Van nods and then Ven is standing and wrapping his arms around him just like at the wedding. No one in the diner but them, they slow dance quietly in front of the jukebox. No one bothers them. The world floats away and Vanitas tucks his face against Ven’s neck. 

The world is theirs and nothing bad can happen here. 

He remembers how Ventus joked about getting married while they danced at the wedding.  _ “We should dance to this at our wedding, too.”  _

_ “Are you proposing?”  _

_ “Ha! No, no, I wouldn’t do that to Sora.”  _

Vanitas remembers his disappointment as the proposal never happened after either. Shortly after Sora’s wedding, things began to fall apart. They were fighting all of the time and nothing was the same. The words tangle in Van’s throat now and he wishes they didn’t feel like a chokehold. 

When the song ends, Ventus steps away from him. The space between them feels as long as oceans and when Ven walks back to his seat, he doesn’t tell him to wait.

* * *

 

“What can I get you, honey?” 

Vanitas keeps his eyes on the jukebox even though he’s been sitting in the booth for twenty minutes with only ordering coffee and water. The waitress taps the table and he slowly blinks and pulls himself out of his past. “I’m sorry, what?” 

“I said, what can I get you?” she asks. 

He looks up at her and wonders if she had been working here five years ago. Did she remember him? Had she worked the late night shift? Probably not. “A cheeseburger with everything on it, fries, and a strawberry milkshake.” 

She smiles. “Sure thing, sweetheart.” 

Van flicks his gaze back to the jukebox and fishes a few quarters out of his pocket. The walk up to the machine feels miles long but he deposits the change with metallic clinks. One by one until he has enough to purchase the song. He flips through the selections before pressing the right buttons. 

The diner is not empty, not on a busy afternoon, but soon Elvis’ croon fills the space and Vanitas lets it carry him back to his booth. His eyes linger on the space they danced in and feels his heart swell. Tears fill his eyes but he brushes them away on his sleeve. Across the street is the same motel they stayed in later in the evening; he wonders if they made the cleaning lady cry with the mess they left on the sheets. 

More tears fill his eyes and a few slip down his face unchecked. Ventus would be pissed if he knew he was thinking about their nasty times in dirty motel sheets while sweating and begging for release. They’d left the diner millions of miles apart but sex always brought them back together, even if only for an hour. In the morning, they’d returned to the car, both exhausted from lack of sleep and feeling dirtier than they had the night prior. 

Van rubs his face to push the urge to cry away but his eyes linger on the motel sign. He misses the way Ventus’ fingers used to skim across his spine and over his ribcage. The way Ventus always knew exactly what he wanted and how he wanted it. He’d always been confident in bed and Vanitas always followed Ven’s lead. He misses feeling anything below the waist at all. 

“Here you go, sweetie.” The waitress – he should probably check for her name again – drops off his food and his eyes fly to her nametag. Bonnie. 

“Thanks, Bonnie,” he says and smiles politely. She smiles, too, genuine and kind. He works his way through the food Ventus gladly ate that night and leaves behind a 20 dollar tip on top of his bill. Ventus would have wanted him to tip well. 

He debates on staying at the hotel tonight but hits the road instead. Twenty-nine year old Vanitas may have been on a strict budget but not thirty-four year old Vanitas. He drives closer to the nearest town and picks a better hotel to sleep in. There’s a young man at the front desk who smiles at him, too friendly, and offers his room number. Van returns the smile but despite being in a dryspell which has lasted him for five years, he doesn’t bother to jot the number down. 

They’re not Ventus. 

No one is like Ventus. 

It’s only when he’s stretched out on a clean bed he remembers he forgot to leave a journal page behind. “Next stop,” he whispers. 

He swears, he can hear Ven’s laugh in the distance. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack - Postcards by James Blunt
> 
>  
> 
> _I hope you know that I'm sending a postcard_  
>  _I don't care who sees what I sent_  
>  _Or if the whole world knows what's in my head_

 

> **C 2.5**

“Okay but listen to this, please?” Ventus asks while they wander around Central Park on the weekend. The summer air is too hot but Vanitas would gladly suffer in the heat with Ventus if it meant spending time with him.

“Of course,” Vanitas replies. They aren’t holding hands but maybe not holding hands is good – at least now, Ven can’t know how badly he’s sweating from being together.

‘Okay, don’t laugh,” Ventus says firmly and points a finger at him.

“I won’t laugh.”

They pause by a fountain and sit down on an empty bench so Ven can pluck free a journal and read a passage. He clears his throat and straightens his shoulders, seeming extremely serious. Vanitas bites his tongue so he doesn’t laugh since he said he wouldn’t.

_“Beneath the frost of morning_  
_and beside the warmth of tomorrow,_  
_I trace my fingers across your ribs_  
_Count them – one, two, three –_

_You always wake up right on three_  
_Your eyes shine brighter than_  
_the morning light as it dances over our floor_  
_You blink – one two three –_

_You whisper my name  
I hold my breath and believe_

_I believe_

_I believe_

_I believe_

_I believe_

_I close my eyes and you’re gone_  
_My bed is empty_  
_My tomorrow is cold_  
_I trace my fingers across my ribs_  
_Count them – one, two, three –_

_I always wake up right on three.”_

Ventus’ voice, lilting and sad, makes the poetry worth listening to even if he’s never been a fan of poetry. Too pretentious and chock full of metaphors that would never go together if they weren’t in a poem. He drops his head so he doesn’t smirk out loud but he’s fighting back a giggle.

“What?” Ventus asks and he smacks Van on the head with his journal. “Don’t laugh!”

“I’m sorry but poetry is so ridiculous to me,” Van says. “I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s _great_.”

“Did you like it at all?”

“I like how you read the words,” Van replies. “Makes me think I give a fuck about poetry.”

Ventus’ smile is soft and only for him and Van can feel his heart flutter in his chest like a hummingbird. So fast, so fast, so fast it hums. “Yeah?”

“Yes, definitely.”

“I have others,” Ven says and he flips through the pages with his thumb. “But I doubt you’d want to hear them.”

“I’d listen to you read all of them,” Van replies, glancing up at him. “Even if they make me laugh, I’d listen, and I’d love them because you wrote them.”

“Shut up, Vanitas. You sap.”

He is a sap – he is a sap in Ventus’ presence. He’s never been schmoopy or insufferable before Ven but they’ve been ”hanging out” for a few weeks now. Neither of them wants to slap on the dating label because neither of them is certain they are dating. Maybe Ven is afraid to date him. Maybe they’re both afraid to commit but all Vanitas _does_ know for certain is he enjoys every moment with Ventus.

“I’m serious,” Van whispers. “I like you, Ven. I support all you do.”

A blush colors Ven’s cheeks and they lean closer to one another until Van can feel Ven’s breath on his lips. He watches as Ven’s eyes close, long lashes tickling his high cheekbones, dusted so lightly with freckles they’re almost invisible. Vanitas lets his own eyes shut and he closes the smallest of gaps to kiss Ventus back. They slip their hands closer to one another until their fingers link and the noise of the park completely dissipates.

The world floats away and Ventus becomes his entire universe. He smells of summer – lotion and sunscreen with some cologne he can’t quite place. Ven’s soft blonde hair tickles his forehead and Vanitas dares to run his tongue over Ven’s bottom lip. A plea for entry. Ven opens his mouth and Van practically sinks in, pulling Ven close until they’re body to body. The kiss ends before Van is ready but seeing Ven flush makes him happy.

“Wow,” Ven gasps when he pulls away. “You kiss… _so good_.”

Vanitas chuckles and slips his fingers into Ven’s so they can hold hands despite his clammy hands. “So do you.”

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Ven asks quietly.

The question comes as a shock because he hadn’t expected Ventus to ask him a question so committal. “Really? You want _me_ to be your boyfriend? The guy who is rumored to be scary?”

“I don’t care what people say about you,” Ven says. “I don’t care at all. I know who I like and I like you.”

“Why?”

“Why? What do you mean, why?” Ven shoots back.

“I’m not that great, you could probably do-.” Van cuts off because Ventus shuts him up with another firm kiss leaving him lightheaded. Ven really does make him completely weak.

“You’re amazing,” Ven snarls. “Don’t let people tell you otherwise, okay?”

“You barely know me.”

“I want to get to know you as your boyfriend.”

“No dates first?”

“We’ve dated,” Ven snaps. “Us “hanging out”? That was us dating. I swear, you men are so stupid.”

Van laughs and drops his head onto Ven’s shoulder. “Okay, I’ll be your boyfriend.”

“Yeah? Really?”

“Really.”

Ventus takes his hand firmly then and they sit together on the bench holding hands. He listens to Ven read him more poetry and Vanitas feels his heart soar. The beauty of the afternoon transcends. Everything is perfect.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack - Hurt For Me - SYML
> 
> _I see your face and blurry shades_   
>  _And I reach out for your hand_   
>  _All your ways, I can't explain_   
>  _But I want to understand_   
>  _For love_   
>  _I only want you next to me_

> **C 3**

 

“ _ This _ is where we’re staying?”

“Knock the tone, Ventus.” Vanitas dangles a key in front of his face. “It’s a bed with a roof over our heads.” 

“What tone?”

“The tone of repressed judgment,” he replies while he grabs Ven’s bag so he can drag it inside of their motel room for the night. They’re not even half-way there and already he wishes he’d stayed home. 

“Well, this place is disgusting,” Ventus says but he follows Vanitas inside anyway. Vanitas rolls his eyes upward but he doesn’t say anything else. As long as Ventus goes inside without much of a fuss, he supposes it’s a win all around. 

“I checked it out before I came back to the car with the keys, I wouldn’t let you sleep in a place I thought you’d catch an STD just by looking at the bed.” Van drops Ven’s bag on a chair and goes to collapse on the bed. He’s been driving for a few hours and is completely exhausted after not being able to sleep the night before. 

“Well, the bathroom looks clean,” Ventus says as he appears in the bathroom doorway, hand on his hip. “I guess it isn’t  _ so _ bad.”

“You’re welcome,” Van mumbles, eyes heavy with what feels like 100-pound weights. He’s not even sure he can open them right now. 

“Hey.” Ven walks over and plops on the bed next to him, making the mattress bounce. “Do you want to have sex?” 

Well, that’s enough to make his eyes open. Vanitas sits up on his elbows and looks up at Ven, where he sits on his knees at his side. He raises an eyebrow. “Sex?” 

“Yes, you know, where I fuck your ass and make you moan?” Ven asks. “There’s lube in my bag.” 

“You’re serious,” Vanitas says and tries not to sound shocked but ever since Ven decided to move across the country, he’s hardly mentioned sex, or bothered to initiate. Any of Van’s advances had been declined so he’d stopped bothering. He can’t even remember the last time they had sex. 

“Yeah, I am.” Ventus leans down to kiss him and Vanitas chases his mouth with an eagerness he’d be embarrassed by if he were less tired. “I want you, Van.”

“Have me,” Vanitas breathes and whines when Ventus walks away but he’s digging in his bag. 

While Ven searches for lube, Van wiggles out of his pants and underwear, already half hard at only the implication of having sex with Ven. He’s missed him – his smell, the feel of his body on top of his, the way he fits inside so easily now. They’ve learned and loved each other for so long, nine long years, and he cannot picture anyone better than Ven. 

Ventus returns triumphant and they kiss and grind together, hands pulling at Ven’s clothes until he’s undressed enough to make this work. Their mouth search each other out, trailing saliva and bruises on each other’s skin, while Ventus’ fingers pop the bottle open so he can work on fingering him. Van moans when Ven rubs and presses his fingers inside. The stretch burns – he’s no longer used to late night trysts with Ven inside but he welcomes the pain, too. 

Anything for Ventus. 

“I love you,” Van gasps while Ven fingers him harder, stretching him open in a hurry. 

Ventus kisses him, tongue shoving down his throat in an attempt to silence him while his fingers play patterns on his prostate. There is no mistake in Ven not returning the sentiment, and Van doesn’t hold his breath when Ventus is unceremonious when he pushes inside. They both moan and pant, Ventus pinning him to the bed. Van stares up at the ceiling, letting the pleasure wash over him while he feels his heart ready to explode out of his chest. 

“I love you,” he says again.  His heart beats back. Thump. Thump. Thump. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” 

Tears slip down Van’s cheeks like fallen stars when Ventus comes and fills him with a long groan. He came, too, somewhere along the line. He doesn’t remember when. Ven’s lips find his tears and kiss them away, pressing their foreheads together briefly. Van’s eyes find Ven’s, tracing over the way his long eyelashes tickle his cheekbones. 

“I love–.” 

“Don’t say it again,” Ven says, voice flat. “Please.” 

The words cut like a lash and they leave an ugly, open wound over his heart. “Ventus…” 

“I can’t hear you say it right now,” Ventus says and Van can hear the unshed tears in his voice. “Makes this so much harder, Vanitas.” 

“But I do love you.” 

Ven sits up and looks away, turning his back on him so he can collect his emotions. “I know and that’s the problem.” 

His fingers skirt across the blanket and he slides them closer to Ventus, wanting to reach out and touch his back.  _ Just reach a little further. Draw him back into your orbit. Touch him. Make him real. Make this real.  _

“I’m going to shower,” Ven says and cuts off any further advances. 

Vanitas turns his eyes back to the ceiling. 

 

* * *

 

“Do you like it when I do this?” 

The voice is not Ventus’ and the face is not Ventus’ either. Neither is the mouth. The only resemblance is blonde hair and blue eyes but after that, the resemblance this hooker has to Ventus is null. He said he wouldn’t bring a hooker into his hotel room but he hasn’t had sex in five years and is a little desperate. 

Five whole years. 

No sex – not even masturbation. 

Nothing felt good or right after Ventus left. 

The boy, he can’t remember his name now, is busy sucking his cock but nothing feels good now either. He’s barely even hard. He stares up at the ceiling, lying on his back on the hotel bed, just as he did five years ago but Ventus is not here. Ventus will never be here again. 

“Are you okay?” the guy asks him. 

“What?” Van gasps, lifting his head to look down at him. 

“You’re, like, crying.” 

Van’s fingers fly to his cheeks and he realizes, with embarrassment, he is crying. “Sorry, just uh, thinking about my ex,” he admits and snorts. “I brought him here once.” 

“You think that might be why he’s your ex now?” 

Vanitas huffs out a laugh and then feels his emotions come back tenfold. His jaw and lip quake and more tears rise hot into his eyes and down his cheeks until his eyes burn. “No, no– he broke up with me five years ago,” Van replies, voice shaking as he says it out loud. “Not here. We weren’t broken up yet.” 

“You didn’t exactly pay me to listen to your problems, dude.” 

“I know,” he says, voice losing all hope to ever lay this out on someone who cannot judge him. He tried therapy a few times but nothing ever worked out. Roxas is too biased and he looks so much like Ventus, Van just can barely look at him, let alone talk. Plus, they’d never been fans of each other – of course, all of that changed two years ago. 

He can still remember the way Roxas sobbed over the phone when he heard the news. The way he could barely say the words out loud. The way they sat side by side on an airplane and didn’t say a word. The way everything changed – his entire life changed with just three words. 

“You should go,” Vanitas says. 

“You already paid me.” 

“I said  _ go _ !” He doesn’t mean to shout or be rude but he wants to be alone. Something he is so used to now, maybe he can’t have relationships – even artificial ones with hookers. 

The guy mutters something but Van doesn’t catch it and he leaves him alone in the hotel room. Vanitas stares up at the ceiling and shoves his hand down his pants. He focuses on their time here in the hotel and how the sex had felt then. He focuses on Ven’s skin pressing him down into the bed; the way Ven always smelled so good, even on the road. His hand and body go through the motions but there is no satisfaction, not even when he come for the first time in five years. 

No orgasmic bliss. 

Just an empty void.

His chest cracks and splits wider, leaving a larger empty hole than there had been an hour ago. Tears slide down his cheeks as he remembers Roxas’ broken voice on the other line. 

_ Ventus is dead.  _

Van’s eyes screw up and he rolls over to sob into the sheets, body shaking from the force of his weeping. He screams into the pillow and begs Ventus to come back but he can never come back. 

Ventus is dead and has been for two years.

 

 

And soon, he will be too. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/xenogl0ssia)


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